Now that Proton and Perodua have launched their MPVs......

It has been awhile since I discussed MPVs or people carriers in my articles. The reason that I don't discuss more about them is that I despise them. These automobiles are large van like objects that enable many human beings to be carried at one go. They have 7 seats and have a supposedly versatile floorplan. They can carry large objects from lifestyle stores like IKEA with their seats folded. They can do almost anything and are supposedly God's gift to families. The automobiles in question are those large MPVs like the Naza Ria, Toyota Estima Toyota Innova Toyota Alphard, Toyota Big Fat Bungalow and such new vehicles like the Proton Exora come into mind. Those smaller, more car like MPVs like the Honda Stream, Naza Citra, Nissan Grand Livina or even the Toyota Wish aren't as bad, as they look like slightly obese station wagons and are more car like to drive.

A history lesson



Now we have to also remember that MPVs were mainly derived from vans. Yes, vans. There's absolutely nothing glamorous to be associated with vans. If it were derived from a Ferrari Testarossa or a Lancia Stratos then it surely be something we all would aspire to own but these large automobiles descended from vans. Simple, dull soulless boxes that storekeepers, fish , pizza delis and small businesses holders own to carry or deliver various food, fruits, vegetables or fish. You see, even a luxo-barge like the Toyota Bungalow Alphard must have surely been derived or descended from one of the earlier Toyota vans. So how much leather and luxury in its trimmings an Alphard has, it still is a van, deep down inside. So if I 'accidentally' call your luxury MPV a van, it isn't really an accident.

Pic: The Toyota Alphard

The thought of driving one everyday makes me feel a bit whoozy. I wouldn't in mind being driven in one but driving one never thrills me one bit. I have driven a few Toyota Estimas over the years and honestly, it is about as thrilling as sitting in a government department waiting room with 20 people ahead of you and the magazine in your hand is at least 5 years old. The other irritating thing that I wish to restate about owning an MPV is that you are advertising to the people around you that are married and you have flotilla of kids . That advertizes to the world at large that you are indeed a married man or woman; hence unavailable to others and uncool to most and the fact that you have to drive an uncool house like vehicle means you're no super spy. Hey, it's no Aston Martin isn't it? A saloon car will not have the same image problems. This fact has been repeatedly stated by me in my earlier articles, over and over again. Unless you have more than three kids, a maid and a dog or a cat to go on weekend trips together, you don't need a MPV.

The other problem with MPVs is that they take too much space on the road. During traffic jams, those who are stuck behind such a big lunk of metal find that the space it sits on can fill one and a half cars. Two Kancils can fit in the space of a MPV. Furthermore if you see in the mornings during these traffic jams, no one seems to be in the second and third rows, much less the seat beside the driver. All that space is utterly redundant as only the driver takes it to work. The only time it gets filled up is once a month or once every festive occasion where the whole family has to go somewhere. Then when you fill up all the rows with people, you'll still find that you have no space to put your luggage. You have to buy one of those THULE roof boxes and stuff your luggage there. Then with a stupid box on its roof, it can't enter some of the shopping complexes carparks. Some like the Toyota Alphard is worse, it can't enter some carpark complexes at all as its too tall. It's pretty pointless. Those who bought small Proton Sagas a boot, and therefore would have space for luggage and have no height clearance issues. So the point of driving one is, pointless. Even a well to do friend of mine who recently said that the Alphard is a mighty comfy ride said that he'll have a driver for it, and not drive one himself. So if you are an individual who intends to purchase one and drive it all by himself, you're an idiot.

Now all of the facts stated above have been discussed in my earlier articles. Now the latest issue I have against owning a large redundant MPV is the fact that rear seat belt wearing regulations have come into play and this means that all passengers have to buckle up irregardless of whether they're at the front or at the rear. This means that another reason you bought your high class van has been taken out of the picture.

Now last time when you drove that Bungalow Alphard of yours you'd know that any normal 12 year old kid would be able to stand up straight and walk, I mean run through the middle of the van from the third row to the front. This is an outright outrageous thing to do but since you've bought an MPV and paid so much for it, your kids ought to be able to do just that. The rationale is that since you paid a ridiculous sum of money for a luxury van, so your kids deserve to run around in it. Which for all that's holy, the absolutely wrong thing to do. It's as simple as this. If your kid is running around the aisle of an MPV, he isn't strapped down. If the kid isn't strapped down, any emergency stop conducted by the driver of the said MPV, the kid running up and down will then become a flying kid. Like those supermen Mat Rempit riders flying off their bikes when it comes to a sudden stop, after hitting something. Now imagine those running kids flying through the front window and becoming tomato paste all over some road somewhere. This is the main problem with MPV users in Malaysia. They're mostly not seated in one of those rows of rear seats which they're supposed to and they're basically in danger every time the persons in charge fail to secure their passengers in their respective seats.

However in doing so, this somehow defeats the purpose of a Malaysian purchasing an MPV. So they will still allow their kids to run around in their MPV even if they know its totally wrong and dangerous. But if they truly love their kids, they should know better. Therefore, the actual moral of this story is that if you love your kids, do not bother with an MPV as an MPV has too much space and gives kids an excuse to run amok inside it. A normal sedan would mean a tight fit, like a can of sardines. No movement is a good thing. Not to mention if you were driving an MPV with kids running around, you'd have high blood pressure and then die of a heart attack. You may then crash and then kill others around you and the funeral will be for you and a few others. You have to buy a small family car, stuff your kids into that small rear seat, make them wear seat belts. If there are no kids running around, your stress levels would be lower, hence you get to live longer and won't die of hypertension. Therefore, don't buy MPVs, buy cars. If you already own one, sell it to some Pasar Malam trader for Gods sake! But the again, who actually bothers with using rear seatbelts anyway. Continue buying your luxury vans.



Note: Recently Proton launched the EXORA and now Perodua launched the ALZA. The Alza seems pretty decent as it looks car-like and is still small enough to be considered car-like. The Exora is 'decent' in that is comes only with a 1.6litre engine. At least we won't have people thinking that their van has enough power to hog the fast lane on our highways (unlike some Naza Ria drivers - that 2.5v6 makes van drivers think that they're in a super sports car, not.).

And on another note- it seems that according to a magazine, 30% of car buyers in Malaysia think of getting MPVs as their next vehicle purchase. Think about it, it means that deep down inside, 30% of our car buying public does not like fast cars, speed or James Bond. They just want a car to take them and their family to and from IKEA or back to their hometown. They intend to live out their lives, raise their kids, pension, marry off their kids, have grandchildren and then die. I suppose some people would be content with that sort of life.