The Nissan Latio, Sylphy and Teana - Where in the world does Nissan come up with names like that?

A Nissan Latio...a what?

Buying a car is one of the biggest investment that a person makes in his life and car manufacturers know this fact. The main reason you buy a car is to get from A to B without feeling as if your kneecaps are about to burst into pieces after a 20km run from your house to your workplace. In the old days, you could be a farmer, and your workplace would be as soon as you step outside your house but nowadays, you are bound to be a paper-pusher in some office 30km from your house and a car is your biggest necessity, whether you like it or not. No one it his or her right mind would want to take the bus until they retire at the ripe old age of 65 (or earlier). Everyone wants to have their own personal sort of transport and one that offers the comforts of a mini house, a car. You get a roof over your head and air-conditioning for those hot and humid days, or everyday since you work in KL.

The second aim of buying a car is to enjoy its ownership and perks of that certain car. Its looks, handling, ride comfort, etc. Car manufacturers recognise this fact also and that is why they come up with various models that cater to different budgets and personalities. Let’s take a look at the basic three categories that most of us would purchase.

1. The entry level family car.

2. The small sized family car.

3. The mid-large sized family car.

This is basically the 3 most contested car categories here in Malaysia with the exception to those who buy MPVs and SUVs. As a point of reference, if it were a Toyota, it’ll be the Vios, Corolla Altis and the Camry and if it were a Honda, it’ll be the City, Civic and the Accord. If it were Nissan, It’ll be the Latio, Sylphy and the Teana. I’m not including Proton into this scenario as Proton does not have a proper large family car. The Perdana is ancient and no one in his right mind would buy one today.

It’s quite simple to rationalise car manufacturer’s thoughts. If you look at all three manufacturers you’d see some similarity towards their thoughts in designing cars for each of the categories, WITH the exception of Nissan. It is this exception that I will put forward to you today. Nissan among this three is the dullest and most boring Japanese car manufacturer to make cars in all three of the categories stated above.

The premise of the entry level family car is simple. Entice buyers to the brand, keep it cheap, simple and basic. Looks are minimal as if you look at cars like the Vios and the City, they both look like very ugly animals to begin with. However, while the City is pure ugly it is on its way out and its replacement is quite good looking and looks like a Vios with a better front end. Things are cheap, reliable and simple here with conservative looks (sculpting a panel with lots of curves cost money, hence the simplicity in design at this stage). However, Nissan decides to bring in a 4 door sedan that looks like it has been designed by people with tall hats or hairdos that need a building permit for skyscrapers. I mean, look at the Latio sedan. It looks like it grew upwards right in the middle. None of us in Asia are 7foot 3 inches tall. We do not need so much headroom until design suffers badly. To say that it has class leading space is untrue as its all headroom and nothing else. Are human beings built with heads as protruding as the aliens in the movie ‘the Coneheads? It is an ugly car, with a funny name.

What the heck does Latio stand for? I googled it, looked up the dictionary and still found nothing. The picture does this car justice, it looks better here than in real life.

You see, when you buy an entry level car, you don’t get great design like in the next category. Entry level cars are conservative in design due to budget constraints most of the time and in the next level, the small family saloon you see that the designers are hard at work with some cutting edge design. Look at the Honda Civic and the Toyota Altis. Both are very cab forward in design, more so the Honda and these appeal to executives which have some money to blow and want something that is an extension of their style. As such, the target market for these cars are those in their late 20s to the early 40s. These cars basically have cuts and creases and are highly stylisized if you look at both car’s designs overall.

If you go up to the next category, you’d notice that the Accord and Camry are big boulevard crusiers and their design is slightly conservative compared to their smaller siblings. The Accord being slightly sharper in design than the staid and uncle looking Camry. But if you notice, this difference in design is what makes people buy the cars.

However, once we head towards Nissan, we know that things are wrong. Nissan can design the greatest and latest supercar of them all, the GTR. This car even has its own documentary on the National Geographic channel. Nissan can design the brute 350Z car (and call it a poof by also calling it a ‘Fairlady’). Nissan can design really cute small cars like the March, but when it comes to designing a small-mid sized family and naming it, they cannot for nuts do it properly. What the heck is a ‘SYLPHY’ in the first place? Is it short for some veneral disease? Why does it look like a shrunken Nissan Teana? What kind of name is Teana also? I did the same search for the meanings to both words and nothing really meaningful came out of it.

The problem with looking so much like a shrunken Nissan Teana is that you’ve got nothing to graduate up to when you’ve become a senior manager. Why would you buy a car that looks so similar or as dull as your current car? Buying a Sylphy also shows that you have absolutely no style whatsoever as it is 100 times duller looking than either the Civic or the Altis. It is so slightly rounded, so slightly sculpted and so slightly styled everywhere. The head lights blend in smoothly whereas even the dull Altis curves and protrudes. There is nothing offensive, sultry, slutty, aggressive, sexy, feminine, muscular or anything about it. It is a moving version of a white wall with nothing on it.

If you buy this car you are basically telling people that you have:

1. RM100,000.00 to spend on a car and

2. that you don’t have an ounce of style in your body, and

3. you do not enjoy motoring at all as a car is just a mode of transport, and

4. you yearn to be called ‘uncle’ even though you are just 30 something or younger, and

5. you like owning a car that has a name that sounds like a disease that’s sexually transmitted. i.e you’re a pervert. OR

6. you think that if you bought this car people will mistake it for a Teana and you will feel good about yourself, which I doubt. It's not as if the Teana with a name like that conjures up an image of you owning a GTR.

Whatever you do, do not buy a Latio or a Sylphy for the reasons stated above. You can however buy a Teana, which is pretty staid looking, if you want to show to the whole of Malaysia that you’re really smart enough to want a Nissan at the price the local distributors are charging. 

So in other words, don't even buy the Teana if you know what's good for you.

The Sylphy - a name that conjurs an image of STD and dullness? Doesn't it look like the car below?

The Teana - an uncle car that is large, made for senior managers who like being invisible yet get noticed as people wonder why the heck did they end up with a car that costs a bomb, yet looks so plain and you can even buy a continental executive car at the same price